All of my babies are rainbow babies. If you’re not familiar with the term “rainbow baby”, it is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. I have 3 rainbow babies, and 2 sunshine babies. (Three kids altogether that are mine!)
I have had several miscarriages, and to be honest with you, it has taken over 15 years for me to gather up the courage to write about my experience with miscarriage. My first one was in 2000. My last miscarriage was in 2015. I’ve had two marriages in that span of time.
I wanted to share 10 things I have done to bring peace to my soul having experienced several miscarriages in my life, and I want this blog to be a place where we can talk about it openly. I don’t think any woman really gets over having a miscarriage. The hurt, loss and sadness is always there – it doesn’t seem to matter how long time has passed. If you asked me about the miscarriage back in 2000, I’d still tear up over it and end up sobbing in the bathroom.
- I find a way to be grateful. Gratitude has a way of changing the hormones so you can’t really feel anything else other than gratitude for what you DO have. And I’m grateful to have the three kids I do have.
- I remember that with loss is an opportunity to share the experience with others – to have a bond and a connection with others that have shared the same experience. You become part of a tribe, whether you participate or not. You belong.
- I have made art and crafts around the babies I have lost. The projects are mine and have a secret message on the back that only I know. I keep the meaning tucked away in my will with my attorney so it can be read to my surviving children or relatives.
- I have planted trees in their memory, and every time I visit them I remember them. They bloom a bit brighter in the spring than the others. Perhaps it’s the conversations we’ve had together or the tender care they receive.
- I smile more with my surviving kids. There is no sadness when I’m with them.
- I talk to my husband about them. I let him know my sadness so that there is compassion and empathy for when I’m sad, wishing for more children.
- I remember I’ll see them in heaven. It’s only a matter of years.
- Every year, on their death anniversary, I do something special for ME – a manicure, pedicure, buy something new to wear, or make a Christmas ornament for the tree in their honor.
- I took up exercise to increase my endorphins to combat the sadness with happiness.
- I remember that the miscarriage was not my fault and there was nothing I could have done. It was out of my hands and in the hands of a higher power. And while I’m still trying to get my arms around it, the guilt has subsided.
I hope you can take some of these things and work them into your grief management skills and activities so that you, too, can have peace around your own miscarriage experience. Love the children that you can. Hold them, hug them (even if they’re not yours) because that’s what they need. Be present with the ones that are still with you.